Complications

The last 4 months have been pretty crazy for me. To begin the year my partner got down on one knee and proposed!! So exciting!!

Then I had my check up with the surgeon and they said that all my levels are good, I still have quite bad shakes in my hands from too much thyroxin but because it was cancer i have to have too much so there is no re-growth. I have learnt though that this gets worse if I miss meals/go long periods of time without eating (not on purpose!). I also am still getting the heart palpitations that can get pretty bad, to the point that I do consider phoning for an ambulance, but again I am learning what to avoid. Coffee is a definite no :( as is Pepsi/Coke which isn't great as me and my partner LOVE Pepsi! The worst thing though is the chocolate. If I eat more than 2 squares of the stuff my heart starts racing, and if that is in the evening before bed, I won't be able to fall asleep for hours. Even if I avoid all of that I can still hear my heart beat in my ears most of the day!

At work I'm pretty busy and on my feet all day as an infant school teacher, but in the evening I seem to get a second wind and can keep going til about 11, however as soon as my head hits the pillow it is lights out! Seriously I can be asleep in 10 seconds (my partner is considering entering me into the Guinness Book of Records!) When it is the school holidays though, it is a different story. I'm lethargic all day I'm tired when I wake, I'm lethargic during the whole day, I'm tired in the evening but I can't sleep, and take ages to drift off then usually wake at least twice during the night. Going to try going to the gym during the holidays to see if that helps, but it is really annoying.

So anyway, back to the check up, they said everything was great (as great as it can be) then they noticed my engagement ring and said "I think we should have the baby chat". What baby chat? Why do we need a chat? I assured them I wasn't pregnant and I wasn't planning on getting pregnant anytime soon, but she insisted on the "baby chat". Apparently, I think I understood this correctly, when you first get pregnant your body naturally increases your thyroxin levels, as to make the babies brain it uses up alot of thyroxin. Obviously I have no thyroid so my body can't naturally increase the levels. Therefore I have to meticulously plan when I am going to fall pregnant and rush to the doctors to have them increase my thyroxin by 25-50mg. Bare in mind that I am already shaky with a racing heart on the measly 150mg I am on at the moment, and you can imagine the worry going through my brain. If this all goes to plan the baby 'should' have a 'normal' brain. Great. I hate the whole statistics thing (refer back to diagnosis!!). So that was thrilling to find out, I do think they should have told me the risks to pregnancy before they took the thyroid out, although I know it wouldn't have made a difference as I would have told them to go ahead anyway to remove the cancer, but I do think you should know these things.

So that was stressful enough, then I had to go to the doctors the following months with girly problems that I put down to hormonal change due to the lack of a thyroid (when you research the thyroid controls alot of stuff!). The doctor took one look and sent me as an emergency straight off to the hospital with suspected Cervical Cancer. Yep that's right. Urgent referral, again, yay :(

After many gruelling and horrific tests, including an ultrasound where I had to have a full bladder for 3 hours (they were running late on appointments...thanks), they determined that in fact I did not have the big C as the doctor put it (seriously, she said "the big C"), but my body was going through hormonal changes and this was effecting the uterus. I am not a qualified doctor/GP/surgeon/God of the NHS but I could have told them that in the beginning and saved myself 3 months of tests, waiting for results and STRESS!! The thing you are supposed to avoid to help you stay healthy.

So anyway I'm writing this rant because I was sitting in traffic this week listening to the radio and I realised this month last year was the one where they got the biopsy results back and rushed me into hospital, removed my entire thyroid and announced that I had had cancer, it was so small they weren't sure how they caught it so early, but that I would be ok. It's a year on and I'm still trying to be ok.

Still suffering

So, the stupid weight will not go away, and it's still fluctuating. Lost 6 lbs over xmas just to put 3 lbs back on again after boxing day?! Surely that's not right!! I ate loads before xmas too!

And for the last 3 weeks I've been getting these horrible feelings where my throat starts to swell up and close and I feel like I can't breathe properly. Then it subsides and I go back to normal, but for 5 minutes I do start to wonder if I should call the ambulance?!

The heart rate is so fast again as well, I'm getting weird palpitations, well I think that's what they are? All of a sudden my heart rate gets really loud in my veins and really fast :( Going to phone my consultant in a couple of days to see if this is normal?! Although nothing is normal anymore.

Quitting chocolate and caffeine altogether, also all dairy and going to try a big old vegan diet to see if that helps :( going to be a sad foodie! Oh well, Happy New Year to any readers out there! Not sure if there are any readers, but if there are I hope you have a fantastic new year, and hopefully 2013 will be full of happy health stories!

xxx

Fed Up

Well, it's been 7 months, and things don't seem to getting better. I constantly have a soaring heart rate regardless of if I'm sitting or lying down, it is worse at night and first thing in the morning. I can't eat chocolate without it stepping up a notch and i have no energy again.

I keep getting desperate and wishing for a transplant, I just feel like they dump you after surgery with a quick check up every now and again to make sure you're having more thyroxine than you're supposed to to stop cancer re-growth. It's a bloody joke. I pretty much not got a monthly thing going on anymore, I feel crap all the time, the spots are still growing on my neck and I get tight panicky moments when it feels like someone is strangling me.

I know it gets better, I know other people have gone through this, but I am really fed up. And to make matters worse we had to have an identity photo done at work so we carry our image around on a lanyard all day, and mine happened to be taken when my neck was nice and red, so there's a daily reminder of my shitty problems.

So, rant over. No more sugar, caffeine, fried foods for me, and more watercress, chai seeds and bananas! Oh yay, just as Xmas is around the corner.

Long gap

So I haven't written for a while. Not sure if that is a good thing or not? I was very lucky to get to go to a MacMillan pamper session at QA Hospital. Was a really lovely afternoon and was really nice to meet people in similar situations, although i was the only person who had not had/going to have chemo.

It's the summer holidays for me at the moment, and along with my new level of dosage for tablets, I'm feeling much more energetic and staying up later. Although because i'm not at work i keep forgetting to take my tablets :( not good. I also am really struggling to lose weight which is making me feel a little miserable. And comfort eating is not helping ;) I went to a yoga session last week and would really recommend it to anyone who has had/has cancer, it really is very calming and focus' on breathing and staying calm, which is really good when alot of bad stuff is going through you mind 24/7.

I'm also going to try going back to Zumba when i find a class, it is an excercise you can control the input to without annoying anyone or looking stupid.

My scar is going down, however i still get itchy spots come up on and around it, which are a pain in the bum, and my hair still falls out every morning,  but i'm not going to complain too much. I guess you unfortunatley get used to all the crap that comes with having cancer. You know you are fortunate (i hate the word lucky) but it does affect the rest of your life. And that does take some getting used to. I find i'm less grumpy, less miserable and less pessamistic about life now. I have gone back to being a vegetarian, and stopped having milk and eggs (the eggs are because we have chicks and had to pick them out of their eggs when they hatched and it completely grossed me out!).

So anyhoo that's the latest update. Not sure who reads this, if anyone, but it's nice to keep a track of how things are going. Kind of puts things into perspective and makes you realise that however slow it is, you are getting better.

Now to shift that 2 stone.....

Birthday Weekend

On Friday it was my birthday, I turned 26. For those reading this who don't know me, i love birthdays! I hate getting older, but i love celebrating another year in my life and reflecting on what i have achieved in the previous, and then to set goals/targets for the next.

I listened to my body and persevered until the doctors were also listening.
I was brave having the cell sample taken (needle into throat with no anasthetic) and very brave to go back for a second.
All those blood tests.
I walked to the operating theatre and climbed up onto the table on my own, i was then operated on.
I put on a brave face and coped with recovery the best i could.
Realising my mum is even more amazing than i already thought.
Going back to work 2 weeks after my op reinstated the truth that i am working the job that i love.
I have become more open to people around me and now say when i need help. (Sue Oster is the best co-worker anyone could ask for)
I have laughed, cried, shouted and felt lost, and this has just been the last 2 months of the year.

I also travelled back to South Africa to hug the children that have taken a hold of part of my heart, worked in the orphanage and felt at home once more.

I have qualified as a teacher, and started my first job teaching Year 2 and am absolutely loving it! I have been sad in the holidays and can't wait for term to start again.

I have said goodbye to some friends, and grown closer to others. Each year shows us who really is there for us and who we really want to be there for.

I was finally a bridesmaid, for my sister-in-law, and had an amazing day watching her smile from ear to ear early in the morning til late at night.

This year i have learnt to love life and live every day as best i can. You can never see what is round the corner and you have to be ready to tackle it with everything you have. Cancer is a scary thing, it does knock the wind out of your sails, but with the right people surrouding you, family, friends, consultants, surgeons, anaethetists, colleagues, you can tackle it and you can come out of it. But it is not the only thing in this world which is awful. The orphanage is still there, they are still fighting to stay open, and have just accepted into their world their 809th baby. Others are not so lucky with their fight against illness and they leave behind broken hearts and sad eyes. The world continues to spin and we have to keep up. For this coming year i want to stay healthy and positive, optimistic and honest. I want to travel, to make some friendship bonds closer, i want to move in with my partner and i want to continue to work the job i love. I want to help others and i want to learn to let others help me.

I will keep smiling :) the scar around my neck is my battle wound against life and it won't be my last. Remember that life is one great big adventure! We wouldn't want it to be boring would we?!

And so life continues....

That's not supposed to sound quite so morbid!! Oops!

Well, it's been long enough now that i'm not counting the weeks since the operation (7 1/2) and i'm getting niggles again. It feels like someones puling at the stitches, and i'm not sure if i even have any stitches left i there, or if this is just my imagination? What do you think? It just feels painful again, and swollen, which i thought would have got better by now but it hasn't. Also, i am not full of energy yet. I want to feel ok when i wake up in the morning, not like i need to go back to sleep again for a few hours. It's quite depressing waking up like that every morning, I can cope when it gets to the evening because i have felt like that for nearly 2 years now while the cancer was effecting the thyroid, but now i think i should start to feel better now the thyroxin tablets are working? Any ideas? I guess i'm full of questions again.

My prescription exemption card came through today :) there's a positive for the week. And i have signed up on some websites that help thyroid sufferers get through the bad bits. I guess it makes you feel like you're not alone ('you are not alone....i am here with you...la la la'!!)

Well i guess i thought i would just check in, if anyone wants to chat, or you can answer questions or you have any i could try and answer, let me know! Always happy for a chat, even if you find me on the book of face!

MACMILLAN

I went to the hospital today, not for a check up or blood test, but to visit the MacMillan centre within the hospital. I walked in and felt an overwhelming sense of sadness. It was really strange. It was if by walking in i was admitting i had cancer and that i was struggling to come to terms with it. There was a smiley lady on the desk and i asked her if i could talk to someone. She said she was free and would i like to take a seat. She brought me a drink and sat and chatted to me for an hour. We talked about cancer, about how i felt, about my mum and my sisters, about work, about surgery, scars, you name it we talked about it. And it was so nice to know that there was somebody who wasn't emotionally involved willing to sit and talk to me, like it was the most normal thing in the world, and that i didn't need to feel guilty for having survived cancer, and that it was ok to feel sad and overwhelmed, as she put it 'it's like being hit by a bus'.
There were a few other people in there, you can sit and wait for appointments for chemo and radiotherapy, or you can cry and shout at the world in one of the quiet rooms, or you can book in for complementary therapies. But the main thing is that you realise you're not alone. I know i have my mum to talk to, and my partner, but sometimes you feel guilty for always burdening them with the same comments over and over. And with my mum she has been there herself in exactly the same place and sometimes i don't feel it's fair to keep on and on.

The lady was lovely. I'm booked in for a pamper afternoon and have been given booklets about thyroid cancer, dealing with emotions and one on diet because my weight is fluctuating so much and i just sometimes can't think of anything that i want to eat. So although i'm sat here crying and feeling totally sorry for myself, i do feel a little bit better that i took that step and have acknowledged that i'm not doing ok and it's alright to feel angry and upset. Guess sometimes you have to accept that a good cry does help, in a strange way.