Well, i had a rubbish day yesterday. It had been three weeks since the operation, and I have gone back to work full time. Silly silly me! They are being lovely especially the woman I work alongside, but i am just so frustrated at not feeling normal I'm taking it out on everyone.
To make matters worse i also subconsciously took two tablets last night without meaning to, so went into overdose mode. My heartbeat was so fast i thought i was about to have a heart attack, i was hot, my legs felt like electricity was running through them, and when i woke in the early ours i was sorely tempted to stab myself in the head to release the almighty pressure that was building up creating excruciating pain. I was very sad :(
The side effects of these tablets are horrible. My skin is flaking 24/7, i have no appetite but am putting on weight, my throat and eyes feel dry all the time, my hair is moulting and feels like straw, i am tired during the day and full of energy at night, I'm forgetful of silly things (see above) however my nails are growing stronger than usual so i guess it isn't all bad!
The scar is less noticeable but i still find people staring in the shops, but i guess they are a little closer than most strangers! I have my appointment with my consultant tomorrow (already had the blood tests) and hopefully i will now be put on the normal tablets. I know they are going to take some adjusting and time to settle but i think i will feel better when i just have to remember to take one!
I'm worried about the weekend. My sister-in-law is getting married and i am lucky enough to be bridesmaid, however I'm anxious. What if i can't fit in the dress anymore? What if i get really tired towards the afternoon/early evening? What if i have a crap day and i spend it trying not to cry? Argh. Life is so much simpler with a normal working thyroid! I don't think people realise how much it really does for your body, or what you go through once you don't have one anymore. I'm not saying people aren't sympathetic or kind, it's just difficult putting into words how you feel. I guess slower and crappier than normal sums it up!!
Well, i guess the next blog will be tomorrow after my lovely meeting at the hospital, fingers crossed it's all straight forward!
Thursday 17 May 2012
Sunday 13 May 2012
Counting my blessings
Well, alot has happened and I'm sorry for not posting sooner. I had a late night phone call from my surgeon last week to inform me of the good news. Apparently all of the lumps were benign apart from one which was cancerous, however it was so small, that they have removed everything they need to and i don't need any further treatment!! So no radioactive iodine for me!! I feel like the luckiest person in the world. They tell me yes i did have cancer, but it's all gone and that's it. It must be one of the quickest treatments ever!!
And as i said in the last post my patch has already come off. The giant waterproof one that goes over the top. It was peeling off, so i helped it off, and although it was so scary to see the line underneath, it is so small i can't believe they were able to complete the operation in such a tiny area!! Again, i am so lucky to have had the best surgeon in the country, in my opinion the world!! Yes, it is still hard to keep my head up all day, it aches and i feel like it's a dead weight on top of my neck, and yes i am out of breath all the time because the tablets aren't right yet, and yes the steri strips itch and i want to pull them off, but... that's it. I can't complain about anything else! I had a miserable day yesterday, i felt like an old pensioner, struggled to walk down the seafront and was tired watching a movie in the cinema, but today i can't stop smiling!! I'm OK! And that is all that matters at the end of the day. Yes i am on tablets for the rest of my life, but that is going to be one loooonnnngggg life full of exciting and happy moments with the amazing people i have around me.
My mum has been so amazing i can't put into words how grateful i am to her. She has been my best friend, the one to hold my hand and drag me out of bed on bad days. I know she has gone through it herself, but surely that's worse because she knows what i had to go through. And she just smiled the whole way through it. She really is the most amazing person in the world and i love her so much. Everyone should have someone like my mum to help them get through cancer, she definitely fights your corner!
And as i said in the last post my patch has already come off. The giant waterproof one that goes over the top. It was peeling off, so i helped it off, and although it was so scary to see the line underneath, it is so small i can't believe they were able to complete the operation in such a tiny area!! Again, i am so lucky to have had the best surgeon in the country, in my opinion the world!! Yes, it is still hard to keep my head up all day, it aches and i feel like it's a dead weight on top of my neck, and yes i am out of breath all the time because the tablets aren't right yet, and yes the steri strips itch and i want to pull them off, but... that's it. I can't complain about anything else! I had a miserable day yesterday, i felt like an old pensioner, struggled to walk down the seafront and was tired watching a movie in the cinema, but today i can't stop smiling!! I'm OK! And that is all that matters at the end of the day. Yes i am on tablets for the rest of my life, but that is going to be one loooonnnngggg life full of exciting and happy moments with the amazing people i have around me.
My mum has been so amazing i can't put into words how grateful i am to her. She has been my best friend, the one to hold my hand and drag me out of bed on bad days. I know she has gone through it herself, but surely that's worse because she knows what i had to go through. And she just smiled the whole way through it. She really is the most amazing person in the world and i love her so much. Everyone should have someone like my mum to help them get through cancer, she definitely fights your corner!
Monday 7 May 2012
Getting there...slowly
So I was determined to be better for our weekend of weddings! Managed to get to the one on Friday for 9pm and lasted a couple of hours, but dancing hurt so had to miss out on busting some moves. Had a quick pulse for most of the evening so pretty uncomfortable but it was OK, it was really nice to be out with great friends, and to forget for an evening.
Lovely lie in on Saturday morning and had a lie down in the afternoon to prepare for the next wedding. Made it there earlier (think the lie down helped) and managed to stay for nearly 4 hours tonight!! And felt much better so even managed quite a few dances!! Thanks girls for keeping me on my feet and smiling!! It really, really does help being surrounded by positive people, I really do agree with the guy from 'that' book. You need to surround yourself with positive people to stay positive yourself. I had an amazing night, thoroughly enjoyed myself, and Tom was ready to whisk me home when i started to feel swollen. I did feel like perhaps my vocal chords had enough for the evening ( there were numerous songs to sing along too even if i couldn't get up to dance to every one!) and had another lie in Sunday.
Today was another big step for me. I took the big waterproof plaster off!!
Now to some people that may sound like nothing, but it was a big deal for me. I hate anything medical, i hate blood, i can't watch anything where they make an incision or stab a needle into someone, and really taking the patch off was like realising that it did really happen because now i can see it :( Boy was it a bugger to come off, if you ever have to remove one do it slowly a little bit at a time and hold onto those steri-strips!! But it did come off and then i was left with awful red marks around my neck where my skin hated the sticky stuff. My mum acted as nurse and used witch hazel to remove it and I'm left with 2 very small steri-strips covering the line where they made the incision and no swelling or redness! I'm so lucky, the scar is going to be really small and once i can start rubbing vitamin E cream on it, I'm sure it will go away.
I guess this weekend has made me realise how lucky i am, that i kept on at the doctors and they caught it quickly, that the scar will be small and that i have a great bunch of people around me to help me get through this. I'm going back to work tomorrow, doing just mornings to start, but that's great!! I can't wait! I can focus on a little bit of normality while i get back to full health. I wish my heartbeat would return to normal, but hey..it can't all be fixed in one go. It takes time, and i have to be patient!
Lovely lie in on Saturday morning and had a lie down in the afternoon to prepare for the next wedding. Made it there earlier (think the lie down helped) and managed to stay for nearly 4 hours tonight!! And felt much better so even managed quite a few dances!! Thanks girls for keeping me on my feet and smiling!! It really, really does help being surrounded by positive people, I really do agree with the guy from 'that' book. You need to surround yourself with positive people to stay positive yourself. I had an amazing night, thoroughly enjoyed myself, and Tom was ready to whisk me home when i started to feel swollen. I did feel like perhaps my vocal chords had enough for the evening ( there were numerous songs to sing along too even if i couldn't get up to dance to every one!) and had another lie in Sunday.
Today was another big step for me. I took the big waterproof plaster off!!
Now to some people that may sound like nothing, but it was a big deal for me. I hate anything medical, i hate blood, i can't watch anything where they make an incision or stab a needle into someone, and really taking the patch off was like realising that it did really happen because now i can see it :( Boy was it a bugger to come off, if you ever have to remove one do it slowly a little bit at a time and hold onto those steri-strips!! But it did come off and then i was left with awful red marks around my neck where my skin hated the sticky stuff. My mum acted as nurse and used witch hazel to remove it and I'm left with 2 very small steri-strips covering the line where they made the incision and no swelling or redness! I'm so lucky, the scar is going to be really small and once i can start rubbing vitamin E cream on it, I'm sure it will go away.
I guess this weekend has made me realise how lucky i am, that i kept on at the doctors and they caught it quickly, that the scar will be small and that i have a great bunch of people around me to help me get through this. I'm going back to work tomorrow, doing just mornings to start, but that's great!! I can't wait! I can focus on a little bit of normality while i get back to full health. I wish my heartbeat would return to normal, but hey..it can't all be fixed in one go. It takes time, and i have to be patient!
Friday 4 May 2012
Angry Afternoon
Oooh i'm just so mad. I telephoned the lovely receptionist for my surgeon/consultant today to ask if the results were back yet for my biopsy as i had been instructed to call. After taking all my details she finally says "oh yes they're here on the screen in front of me....but i can't tell you".
Well, thanks. A whole bunch. I explained that the surgeon is 90% sure anyway, and that he ahd told me to ring, but no she has to check with him first and then get back to me. Great, so i can wait until the 25th may, which is far too long away to find out, or i can continue to call you every day and bug you until you give in and tell me. Your choice. Argh!
It's like they are playing god, the I know but you don't little game. It is so frustrating. So today ended up being a sad day :( with a few tears. I'm fed up, of not knowing, of not being able to take a shower without a carrier bag wrapped around my neck, of needing a stupid number of pillows to sleep on, of having to sleep on my back, of the itchiness of the silly waterproof plaster covering the scar, of having to take a tablet three times a day and forgetting every time, of having people stare at me. One man actually moved around my mum to get a better look, how rude is that?
Sorry for the rant. Sometimes it's needed to just vent frustration!
Well, thanks. A whole bunch. I explained that the surgeon is 90% sure anyway, and that he ahd told me to ring, but no she has to check with him first and then get back to me. Great, so i can wait until the 25th may, which is far too long away to find out, or i can continue to call you every day and bug you until you give in and tell me. Your choice. Argh!
It's like they are playing god, the I know but you don't little game. It is so frustrating. So today ended up being a sad day :( with a few tears. I'm fed up, of not knowing, of not being able to take a shower without a carrier bag wrapped around my neck, of needing a stupid number of pillows to sleep on, of having to sleep on my back, of the itchiness of the silly waterproof plaster covering the scar, of having to take a tablet three times a day and forgetting every time, of having people stare at me. One man actually moved around my mum to get a better look, how rude is that?
Sorry for the rant. Sometimes it's needed to just vent frustration!
Thursday 3 May 2012
Beginning to Recover
I got my letter yesterday from the hospital for my next check up, this is when i'll get the results from the biopsy, find out for definite if it's cancer or not. I have to wait three more weeks. Thats's such a long time, do they not realise that you want to know quickly, so you can get your head around it and work out a way to get better?
I've stopped eating dairy :( i am a big foodie lover and i particularly love cheese and chocolate so this is going to be really hard, but my mum already gave it up after her thyroid cancer and my sister is vegan, so she can help. They reckon meat contributes to cancer, i stopped being vegetarian 3 years ago, i've had noticable problems with my thyroid for 1 1/2 years. What are the chances. I read a book yesterday that said no one with cancer is a victim. We have all caused it ourselves. How awful is that to read. That you've given yourself this awful disease, especially when i have never smoked, i don't drink and i'm not overweight. I eat healthily, i look after myself, i didn't exactly increase my chances on purpose.
And i read a website this morning with a comment by a thyroid cancer patient, he said he hated how the doctors told him he had cancer, he had the same 'it's the cancer you would choose' spin off with an added 'it's the best cancer to get', like we're lucky. Really? I think all those that never get cancer are the lucky ones.
I had a really good day yesterday. I went into work to say hi to everyone, they cheered me up and it was so nice to be doing something normal. I got to see all the children, got some hugs and realised how much i love and miss my job. I'm hoping to go back to work next Tuesday, my boss wants me to do just mornings to start. I think it's probably a good idea, i don't know how tired i'm going to get from being up for so long.
On a funny note i had my first sneeze today. I thought my stomach was going to burst through my neck and my head would fall off!!! PAINFUL!! If you have thyroid cancer and your reading this, wait until the neck has healed before you sneeze!!! Plug your nose, put a peg on it!! Anything!! haha no really it's ok, just super weird!
Well today isn't such a god day, i'm cold and tired and feeling a little miserable so i'm going to make a conscious effort to get up and do something productive!! I am a firm believer that you have to make happy days happen sometimes. It's fine to feel sad (my mum says i'm allowed 10 minutes a day) but it's easy to stay sad, you have to make yourself smile and make yourself have a good day. Tom is helping, he is taking me on holiday to cheer me up, we're going to stay in a castle!! I'm so excited! It'll be 2 weeks after my results so i'm guessing i'll need a break either way of the results, so it will be something to look forward to.
I've stopped eating dairy :( i am a big foodie lover and i particularly love cheese and chocolate so this is going to be really hard, but my mum already gave it up after her thyroid cancer and my sister is vegan, so she can help. They reckon meat contributes to cancer, i stopped being vegetarian 3 years ago, i've had noticable problems with my thyroid for 1 1/2 years. What are the chances. I read a book yesterday that said no one with cancer is a victim. We have all caused it ourselves. How awful is that to read. That you've given yourself this awful disease, especially when i have never smoked, i don't drink and i'm not overweight. I eat healthily, i look after myself, i didn't exactly increase my chances on purpose.
And i read a website this morning with a comment by a thyroid cancer patient, he said he hated how the doctors told him he had cancer, he had the same 'it's the cancer you would choose' spin off with an added 'it's the best cancer to get', like we're lucky. Really? I think all those that never get cancer are the lucky ones.
I had a really good day yesterday. I went into work to say hi to everyone, they cheered me up and it was so nice to be doing something normal. I got to see all the children, got some hugs and realised how much i love and miss my job. I'm hoping to go back to work next Tuesday, my boss wants me to do just mornings to start. I think it's probably a good idea, i don't know how tired i'm going to get from being up for so long.
On a funny note i had my first sneeze today. I thought my stomach was going to burst through my neck and my head would fall off!!! PAINFUL!! If you have thyroid cancer and your reading this, wait until the neck has healed before you sneeze!!! Plug your nose, put a peg on it!! Anything!! haha no really it's ok, just super weird!
Well today isn't such a god day, i'm cold and tired and feeling a little miserable so i'm going to make a conscious effort to get up and do something productive!! I am a firm believer that you have to make happy days happen sometimes. It's fine to feel sad (my mum says i'm allowed 10 minutes a day) but it's easy to stay sad, you have to make yourself smile and make yourself have a good day. Tom is helping, he is taking me on holiday to cheer me up, we're going to stay in a castle!! I'm so excited! It'll be 2 weeks after my results so i'm guessing i'll need a break either way of the results, so it will be something to look forward to.
Wednesday 2 May 2012
Weekend of Hell
So there it was, i needed an operation, on Tuesday. That gave me four days. I spent the weekend calling my boss and letting him know the results, that i wouldn't be in work next week, that i was really sorry and he was brilliant. I called friends who i was supposed to be babysitting for and apologised, explained the problem and they were understanding. I spent time with my family, with my boyfriend, we talked it through, they listened and helped. Monday came and off i went for my pre op assessments, more blood tests and a camera down the nose to establish the positioning of my vocal chords so they wouldn't get damaged during the procedure. And i felt numb.
How do you take in huge news like that, something that would change your life, and carry on like normal? I couldn't think straight, couldn't eat normally, couldn't sleep. I was a wreck, and everyone was treading on eggshells so as to not upset me further. It was horrible.
Monday - pre-op, lots of questions, followed by a camera down the nose to check where my vocal chords are (incase they damage them during surgery), and then another bloodtest as they forgot one on Friday...thanks.
Tuesday - operation. Got to hospital at 7:30 with my mum and a bag. We saw a nurse who again asked lots of questions, saw my anaethetist who was lovely and let me have magic cream on my hand :) then saw two surgeons who would both be operating on me. Also had to sign the legal documents that say they are allowed to operate on me, and that they might remove the whole thyroid if it looks bad once they open me up...great.
Signed my life away and went through to the waiting area. Got to change into a sexy gown and fetching stockings, and then wait in a room with four other stressed out looking women. Luckily i was quickly called and a lovely lady walked me through the operating theatre. Yep that's right, no seperate room where they put you to sleep first! Nope, up onto the table i jumped, lay down under those HUGE lights and waited whilst the anaethetist attatched a canular (didn't feel a thing) and then an even more lovely lady held my hand while they injected the magic potions into my arm and off to sleep i went.
Woke up in recovery very stiff, realised where i was and why and the first question i remember asking was whether they had removed the right side or the whole thing.....the whole thyroid was the reply.
Hop skip and a jump and we are going straight to me being home. I hated being in hospital, it was horrible and i never want to have to be in over night ever again.
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