Still suffering

So, the stupid weight will not go away, and it's still fluctuating. Lost 6 lbs over xmas just to put 3 lbs back on again after boxing day?! Surely that's not right!! I ate loads before xmas too!

And for the last 3 weeks I've been getting these horrible feelings where my throat starts to swell up and close and I feel like I can't breathe properly. Then it subsides and I go back to normal, but for 5 minutes I do start to wonder if I should call the ambulance?!

The heart rate is so fast again as well, I'm getting weird palpitations, well I think that's what they are? All of a sudden my heart rate gets really loud in my veins and really fast :( Going to phone my consultant in a couple of days to see if this is normal?! Although nothing is normal anymore.

Quitting chocolate and caffeine altogether, also all dairy and going to try a big old vegan diet to see if that helps :( going to be a sad foodie! Oh well, Happy New Year to any readers out there! Not sure if there are any readers, but if there are I hope you have a fantastic new year, and hopefully 2013 will be full of happy health stories!

xxx

Fed Up

Well, it's been 7 months, and things don't seem to getting better. I constantly have a soaring heart rate regardless of if I'm sitting or lying down, it is worse at night and first thing in the morning. I can't eat chocolate without it stepping up a notch and i have no energy again.

I keep getting desperate and wishing for a transplant, I just feel like they dump you after surgery with a quick check up every now and again to make sure you're having more thyroxine than you're supposed to to stop cancer re-growth. It's a bloody joke. I pretty much not got a monthly thing going on anymore, I feel crap all the time, the spots are still growing on my neck and I get tight panicky moments when it feels like someone is strangling me.

I know it gets better, I know other people have gone through this, but I am really fed up. And to make matters worse we had to have an identity photo done at work so we carry our image around on a lanyard all day, and mine happened to be taken when my neck was nice and red, so there's a daily reminder of my shitty problems.

So, rant over. No more sugar, caffeine, fried foods for me, and more watercress, chai seeds and bananas! Oh yay, just as Xmas is around the corner.

Long gap

So I haven't written for a while. Not sure if that is a good thing or not? I was very lucky to get to go to a MacMillan pamper session at QA Hospital. Was a really lovely afternoon and was really nice to meet people in similar situations, although i was the only person who had not had/going to have chemo.

It's the summer holidays for me at the moment, and along with my new level of dosage for tablets, I'm feeling much more energetic and staying up later. Although because i'm not at work i keep forgetting to take my tablets :( not good. I also am really struggling to lose weight which is making me feel a little miserable. And comfort eating is not helping ;) I went to a yoga session last week and would really recommend it to anyone who has had/has cancer, it really is very calming and focus' on breathing and staying calm, which is really good when alot of bad stuff is going through you mind 24/7.

I'm also going to try going back to Zumba when i find a class, it is an excercise you can control the input to without annoying anyone or looking stupid.

My scar is going down, however i still get itchy spots come up on and around it, which are a pain in the bum, and my hair still falls out every morning,  but i'm not going to complain too much. I guess you unfortunatley get used to all the crap that comes with having cancer. You know you are fortunate (i hate the word lucky) but it does affect the rest of your life. And that does take some getting used to. I find i'm less grumpy, less miserable and less pessamistic about life now. I have gone back to being a vegetarian, and stopped having milk and eggs (the eggs are because we have chicks and had to pick them out of their eggs when they hatched and it completely grossed me out!).

So anyhoo that's the latest update. Not sure who reads this, if anyone, but it's nice to keep a track of how things are going. Kind of puts things into perspective and makes you realise that however slow it is, you are getting better.

Now to shift that 2 stone.....

Birthday Weekend

On Friday it was my birthday, I turned 26. For those reading this who don't know me, i love birthdays! I hate getting older, but i love celebrating another year in my life and reflecting on what i have achieved in the previous, and then to set goals/targets for the next.

I listened to my body and persevered until the doctors were also listening.
I was brave having the cell sample taken (needle into throat with no anasthetic) and very brave to go back for a second.
All those blood tests.
I walked to the operating theatre and climbed up onto the table on my own, i was then operated on.
I put on a brave face and coped with recovery the best i could.
Realising my mum is even more amazing than i already thought.
Going back to work 2 weeks after my op reinstated the truth that i am working the job that i love.
I have become more open to people around me and now say when i need help. (Sue Oster is the best co-worker anyone could ask for)
I have laughed, cried, shouted and felt lost, and this has just been the last 2 months of the year.

I also travelled back to South Africa to hug the children that have taken a hold of part of my heart, worked in the orphanage and felt at home once more.

I have qualified as a teacher, and started my first job teaching Year 2 and am absolutely loving it! I have been sad in the holidays and can't wait for term to start again.

I have said goodbye to some friends, and grown closer to others. Each year shows us who really is there for us and who we really want to be there for.

I was finally a bridesmaid, for my sister-in-law, and had an amazing day watching her smile from ear to ear early in the morning til late at night.

This year i have learnt to love life and live every day as best i can. You can never see what is round the corner and you have to be ready to tackle it with everything you have. Cancer is a scary thing, it does knock the wind out of your sails, but with the right people surrouding you, family, friends, consultants, surgeons, anaethetists, colleagues, you can tackle it and you can come out of it. But it is not the only thing in this world which is awful. The orphanage is still there, they are still fighting to stay open, and have just accepted into their world their 809th baby. Others are not so lucky with their fight against illness and they leave behind broken hearts and sad eyes. The world continues to spin and we have to keep up. For this coming year i want to stay healthy and positive, optimistic and honest. I want to travel, to make some friendship bonds closer, i want to move in with my partner and i want to continue to work the job i love. I want to help others and i want to learn to let others help me.

I will keep smiling :) the scar around my neck is my battle wound against life and it won't be my last. Remember that life is one great big adventure! We wouldn't want it to be boring would we?!

And so life continues....

That's not supposed to sound quite so morbid!! Oops!

Well, it's been long enough now that i'm not counting the weeks since the operation (7 1/2) and i'm getting niggles again. It feels like someones puling at the stitches, and i'm not sure if i even have any stitches left i there, or if this is just my imagination? What do you think? It just feels painful again, and swollen, which i thought would have got better by now but it hasn't. Also, i am not full of energy yet. I want to feel ok when i wake up in the morning, not like i need to go back to sleep again for a few hours. It's quite depressing waking up like that every morning, I can cope when it gets to the evening because i have felt like that for nearly 2 years now while the cancer was effecting the thyroid, but now i think i should start to feel better now the thyroxin tablets are working? Any ideas? I guess i'm full of questions again.

My prescription exemption card came through today :) there's a positive for the week. And i have signed up on some websites that help thyroid sufferers get through the bad bits. I guess it makes you feel like you're not alone ('you are not alone....i am here with you...la la la'!!)

Well i guess i thought i would just check in, if anyone wants to chat, or you can answer questions or you have any i could try and answer, let me know! Always happy for a chat, even if you find me on the book of face!

MACMILLAN

I went to the hospital today, not for a check up or blood test, but to visit the MacMillan centre within the hospital. I walked in and felt an overwhelming sense of sadness. It was really strange. It was if by walking in i was admitting i had cancer and that i was struggling to come to terms with it. There was a smiley lady on the desk and i asked her if i could talk to someone. She said she was free and would i like to take a seat. She brought me a drink and sat and chatted to me for an hour. We talked about cancer, about how i felt, about my mum and my sisters, about work, about surgery, scars, you name it we talked about it. And it was so nice to know that there was somebody who wasn't emotionally involved willing to sit and talk to me, like it was the most normal thing in the world, and that i didn't need to feel guilty for having survived cancer, and that it was ok to feel sad and overwhelmed, as she put it 'it's like being hit by a bus'.
There were a few other people in there, you can sit and wait for appointments for chemo and radiotherapy, or you can cry and shout at the world in one of the quiet rooms, or you can book in for complementary therapies. But the main thing is that you realise you're not alone. I know i have my mum to talk to, and my partner, but sometimes you feel guilty for always burdening them with the same comments over and over. And with my mum she has been there herself in exactly the same place and sometimes i don't feel it's fair to keep on and on.

The lady was lovely. I'm booked in for a pamper afternoon and have been given booklets about thyroid cancer, dealing with emotions and one on diet because my weight is fluctuating so much and i just sometimes can't think of anything that i want to eat. So although i'm sat here crying and feeling totally sorry for myself, i do feel a little bit better that i took that step and have acknowledged that i'm not doing ok and it's alright to feel angry and upset. Guess sometimes you have to accept that a good cry does help, in a strange way.

Tired and confused

Sometimes writing this makes me feel better, sometimes like today it makes me feel sad. I just want to feel normal again. I know that sounds stupid, but for a year i have been feeling strange, like there was something wrong. The fizzyness in my neck, the lump when i tried to swallow. And i almost felt relieved when they said there was something wrong. In some strange way i felt like it was better to know there was something wrong, than to continue thinking that there was nothing and it was all psychological.

But i'm not doing too well with the recovery. I'm tired. All the time. I wake up tired, like i can never get enough sleep, and then i count down the hours until i'm so swollen in my neck that even swallowing is uncomfortable. It's like the tablets give you so manty minutes or hours of activity and you have to be really careful how you spend them because you can't earn anymore, despite having rests or naps in the afternoon. I'm grateful that i can sneeze and cough without pain, yawning is still hurting, but it's the constant feeling of being run down and tired that makes me feel miserable. I don't want to come across as a pessamistic person, or one who wallows in the doom and gloom, so i stick on a smiley face and attempt to continue with a 'normal' lifestyle while inside i'm screaming. I'm just fed up i guess and tired. Haha running joke for the rest of my life. My boyfriend always said in the months running up to my diagnosis that i was just always saying 'i'm tired'. Like i was the laziest person in the world and would always laugh at my loud breathing, and my fast heartrate. Funny how there was a reason for that, and that even now we know the reason and they have fixed what was broken, i'm still tired and still breathing loud and still have a fast heartbeat. It's like they remove your thyroid to make you better, but really what they are doing is preventing you from getting worse. There is no better, there is just a constant of 'coping' with the current situation.

My mum says i have to be patient. That i have made amazing steps already. That i am lucky because she lost her voice for 3 months after her op and i just have the issue of not being able to sing. But i guess we all have our little things that bug us about recovery. People are suprised i'm back at work full time, i'm suprised i wasn't back sooner. People say i look great, i'm thinking i could look better. Funny how we can't just be happy with the here and now and we are desperate for the final stage in the recovery process. 3 weeks ago i was looking forward to this stage, now it's here i can't wait for 3 weeks time.

Ups and Downs

So... I know it's been a while since i last wrote, sorry.

I'm doing ok, I have good days and bad days. Being a bridesmaid was amazing yet tiring and i was home before 9 and felt bad for the bride, but she was lovely and didn't make me feel bad at all. Work has been fantastic, but i just want to get on and do more than i am, but i'm having to be patient, which is not one of my strong points!

I'm just fed up. My hair falls out each morning and is so thin and horrible it's a constant reminder of the operation. The weather for once is beautiful and i'm having to stay out of the sun or wear a scarf round my neck which makes me so hot :( I had a horrible incident with the doctors this week where they forgot to do a prescription for me and i had to keep chasing them and arguing for them to hurry up as i only had one tablet left :(

But other than that it's been ok. I guess. I keep seeing people that don't know and they keep asking, and they keep saying how lucky i am, and i know i am and i should count my blessings, but i think because on the outside i look fine and i don't have to go through chemo or radiotherapy they think that's it. It's all over. But it's not for me. I hate having to take tablets, i hate blood tests and i hate going into hospitals and all three are going to be regular occurances for the rest of my life. Yes i am lucky to be alive and to not have awful treatments to go through, but i don't have a thyroid, a major part of your body. It controls everything; your weight, your energy levels, your hormones, your hair, your nails, your temperature, the list is endless. And i feel like it's just not all working properly. It feels like there is something missing and i am helpless to do something about it. I'm gaining weight and i can't excercise to get rid of it, then i lose weight and have no energy to do anything. It's horrible. And sometimes i just want to cry. For no reason. Just because i think life is so unfair, which sounds like something a child would say, but sometimes it does just feel that way. Why did my mum get it, then me? Why is cancer on the increase? Why did my Nan have breast and skin cancer in the last 5 years? Why did my Grandad die from cancer last year? Why is my friend without his Dad because he died from Prostate Cancer last week? Why is there nothing we can do about it apart from play a waiting game and hope to god that we are one of the lucky ones?

Well, i guess i could sit here for the next 12 hours asking a whole host of questions with no one to answer it. I watched and Ally McBeal episode yesterday (me and my sis are re watching all of them) and it was the one caled Bimps and Angels. A little boy is dying from leukhemia and he sues God. His dad was hit by a falling tree branch that snapped due to lightening and left his mum with no money, and then he got sick and they couldn't afford the bills for his meds, and then he dies. I know it's a story, but it happens, and i want to help. I guess if i was the lucky one, then really what i need to do, what i want to do, is to help others get through it as well. I'm off to speak to the people at Macmillan next week to talk to them about what's bothering me, and to see if there is anything i can do to help. I don't know what it is yet, but maybe they will.

Well, i guess the rant is over for today, i'm gonna stick my smile back on my face and pretend i'm ok!

Forgetfulness

Well, i had a rubbish day yesterday. It had been three weeks since the operation, and I have gone back to work full time. Silly silly me! They are being lovely especially the woman I work alongside, but i am just so frustrated at not feeling normal I'm taking it out on everyone.

To make matters worse i also subconsciously took two tablets last night without meaning to, so went into overdose mode. My heartbeat was so fast i thought i was about to have a heart attack, i was hot, my legs felt like electricity was running through them, and when i woke in the early ours i was sorely tempted to stab myself in the head to release the almighty pressure that was building up creating excruciating pain. I was very sad :(

The side effects of these tablets are horrible. My skin is flaking 24/7, i have no appetite but am putting on weight, my throat and eyes feel dry all the time, my hair is moulting and feels like straw, i am tired during the day and full of energy at night, I'm forgetful of silly things (see above) however my nails are growing stronger than usual so i guess it isn't all bad!

The scar is less noticeable but i still find people staring in the shops, but i guess they are a little closer than most strangers! I have my appointment with my consultant tomorrow (already had the blood tests) and hopefully i will now be put on the normal tablets. I know they are going to take some adjusting and time to settle but i think i will feel better when i just have to remember to take one!

I'm worried about the weekend. My sister-in-law is getting married and i am lucky enough to be bridesmaid, however I'm anxious. What if i can't fit in the dress anymore? What if i get really tired towards the afternoon/early evening? What if i have a crap day and i spend it trying not to cry? Argh. Life is so much simpler with a normal working thyroid! I don't think people realise how much it really does for your body, or what you go through once you don't have one anymore. I'm not saying people aren't sympathetic or kind, it's just difficult putting into words how you feel. I guess slower and crappier than normal sums it up!!

Well, i guess the next blog will be tomorrow after my lovely meeting at the hospital, fingers crossed it's all straight forward!

Counting my blessings

Well, alot has happened and I'm sorry for not posting sooner. I had a late night phone call from my surgeon last week to inform me of the good news. Apparently all of the lumps were benign apart from one which was cancerous, however it was so small, that they have removed everything they need to and i don't need any further treatment!! So no radioactive iodine for me!! I feel like the luckiest person in the world. They tell me yes i did have cancer, but it's all gone and that's it. It must be one of the quickest treatments ever!!

And as i said in the last post my patch has already come off. The giant waterproof one that goes over the top. It was peeling off, so i helped it off, and although it was so scary to see the line underneath, it is so small i can't believe they were able to complete the operation in such a tiny area!! Again, i am so lucky to have had the best surgeon in the country, in my opinion the world!! Yes, it is still hard to keep my head up all day, it aches and i feel like it's a dead weight on top of my neck, and yes i am out of breath all the time because the tablets aren't right yet, and yes the steri strips itch and i want to pull them off, but... that's it. I can't complain about anything else! I had a miserable day yesterday, i felt like an old pensioner, struggled to walk down the seafront and was tired watching a movie in the cinema, but today i can't stop smiling!! I'm OK! And that is all that matters at the end of the day. Yes i am on tablets for the rest of my life, but that is going to be one loooonnnngggg life full of exciting and happy moments with the amazing people i have around me.

My mum has been so amazing i can't put into words how grateful i am to her. She has been my best friend, the one to hold my hand and drag me out of bed on bad days. I know she has gone through it herself, but surely that's worse because she knows what i had to go through. And she just smiled the whole way through it. She really is the most amazing person in the world and i love her so much. Everyone should have someone like my mum to help them get through cancer, she definitely fights your corner!

Getting there...slowly

So I was determined to be better for our weekend of weddings! Managed to get to the one on Friday for 9pm and lasted a couple of hours, but dancing hurt so had to miss out on busting some moves. Had a quick pulse for most of the evening so pretty uncomfortable but it was OK, it was really nice to be out with great friends, and to forget for an evening.
Lovely lie in on Saturday morning and had a lie down in the afternoon to prepare for the next wedding. Made it there earlier (think the lie down helped) and managed to stay for nearly 4 hours tonight!! And felt much better so even managed quite a few dances!! Thanks girls for keeping me on my feet and smiling!! It really, really does help being surrounded by positive people, I really do agree with the guy from 'that' book. You need to surround yourself with positive people to stay positive yourself. I had an amazing night, thoroughly enjoyed myself, and Tom was ready to whisk me home when i started to feel swollen. I did feel like perhaps my vocal chords had enough for the evening ( there were numerous songs to sing along too even if i couldn't get up to dance to every one!) and had another lie in Sunday.
Today was another big step for me. I took the big waterproof plaster off!!

Now to some people that may sound like nothing, but it was a big deal for me. I hate anything medical, i hate blood, i can't watch anything where they make an incision or stab a needle into someone, and really taking the patch off was like realising that it did really happen because now i can see it :( Boy was it a bugger to come off, if you ever have to remove one do it slowly a little bit at a time and hold onto those steri-strips!! But it did come off and then i was left with awful red marks around my neck where my skin hated the sticky stuff. My mum acted as nurse and used witch hazel to remove it and I'm left with 2 very small steri-strips covering the line where they made the incision and no swelling or redness! I'm so lucky, the scar is going to be really small and once i can start rubbing vitamin E cream on it, I'm sure it will go away.

I guess this weekend has made me realise how lucky i am, that i kept on at the doctors and they caught it quickly, that the scar will be small and that i have a great bunch of people around me to help me get through this. I'm going back to work tomorrow, doing just mornings to start, but that's great!! I can't wait! I can focus on a little bit of normality while i get back to full health. I wish my heartbeat would return to normal, but hey..it can't all be fixed in one go. It takes time, and i have to be patient!

Angry Afternoon

Oooh i'm just so mad. I telephoned the lovely receptionist for my surgeon/consultant today to ask if the results were back yet for my biopsy as i had been instructed to call. After taking all my details she finally says "oh yes they're here on the screen in front of me....but i can't tell you".

Well, thanks. A whole bunch. I explained that the surgeon is 90% sure anyway, and that he ahd told me to ring, but no she has to check with him first and then get back to me. Great, so i can wait until the 25th may, which is far too long away to find out, or i can continue to call you every day and bug you until you give in and tell me. Your choice. Argh!

It's like they are playing god, the I know but you don't little game. It is so frustrating. So today ended up being a sad day :( with a few tears. I'm fed up, of not knowing, of not being able to take a shower without a carrier bag wrapped around my neck, of needing a stupid number of pillows to sleep on, of having to sleep on my back, of the itchiness of the silly waterproof plaster covering the scar, of having to take a tablet three times a day and forgetting every time, of having people stare at me. One man actually moved around my mum to get a better look, how rude is that?

Sorry for the rant. Sometimes it's needed to just vent frustration!

Beginning to Recover

I got my letter yesterday from the hospital for my next check up, this is when i'll get the results from the biopsy, find out for definite if it's cancer or not. I have to wait three more weeks. Thats's such a long time, do they not realise that you want to know quickly, so you can get your head around it and work out a way to get better?
I've stopped eating dairy :( i am a big foodie lover and i particularly love cheese and chocolate so this is going to be really hard, but my mum already gave it up after her thyroid cancer and my sister is vegan, so she can help. They reckon meat contributes to cancer, i stopped being vegetarian 3 years ago, i've had noticable problems with my thyroid for 1 1/2 years. What are the chances. I read a book yesterday that said no one with cancer is a victim. We have all caused it ourselves. How awful is that to read. That you've given yourself this awful disease, especially when i have never smoked, i don't drink and i'm not overweight. I eat healthily, i look after myself, i didn't exactly increase my chances on purpose.
And i read a website this morning with a comment by a thyroid cancer patient, he said he hated how the doctors told him he had cancer, he had the same 'it's the cancer you would choose' spin off with an added 'it's the best cancer to get', like we're lucky. Really? I think all those that never get cancer are the lucky ones.

I had a really good day yesterday. I went into work to say hi to everyone, they cheered me up and it was so nice to be doing something normal. I got to see all the children, got some hugs and realised how much i love and miss my job. I'm hoping to go back to work next Tuesday, my boss wants me to do just mornings to start. I think it's probably a good idea, i don't know how tired i'm going to get from being up for so long.

On a funny note i had my first sneeze today. I thought my stomach was going to burst through my neck and my head would fall off!!! PAINFUL!! If you have thyroid cancer and your reading this, wait until the neck has healed before you sneeze!!! Plug your nose, put a peg on it!! Anything!! haha no really it's ok, just super weird!

Well today isn't such a god day, i'm cold and tired and feeling a little miserable so i'm going to make a conscious effort to get up and do something productive!! I am a firm believer that you have to make happy days happen sometimes. It's fine to feel sad (my mum says i'm allowed 10 minutes a day) but it's easy to stay sad, you have to make yourself smile and make yourself have a good day. Tom is helping, he is taking me on holiday to cheer me up, we're going to stay in a castle!! I'm so excited! It'll be 2 weeks after my results so i'm guessing i'll need a break either way of the results, so it will be something to look forward to.

Weekend of Hell

So there it was, i needed an operation, on Tuesday. That gave me four days. I spent the weekend calling my boss and letting him know the results, that i wouldn't be in work next week, that i was really sorry and he was brilliant. I called friends who i was supposed to be babysitting for and apologised, explained the problem and they were understanding. I spent time with my family, with my boyfriend, we talked it through, they listened and helped. Monday came and off i went for my pre op assessments, more blood tests and a camera down the nose to establish the positioning of my vocal chords so they wouldn't get damaged during the procedure. And i felt numb.

How do you take in huge news like that, something that would change your life, and carry on like normal? I couldn't think straight, couldn't eat normally, couldn't sleep. I was a wreck, and everyone was treading on eggshells so as to not upset me further. It was horrible.

Monday - pre-op, lots of questions, followed by a camera down the nose to check where my vocal chords are (incase they damage them during surgery), and then another bloodtest as they forgot one on Friday...thanks.

Tuesday - operation. Got to hospital at 7:30 with my mum and a bag. We saw a nurse who again asked lots of questions, saw my anaethetist who was lovely and let me have magic cream on my hand :) then saw two surgeons who would both be operating on me. Also had to sign the legal documents that say they are allowed to operate on me, and that they might remove the whole thyroid if it looks bad once they open me up...great.

Signed my life away and went through to the waiting area. Got to change into a sexy gown and fetching stockings, and then wait in a room with four other stressed out looking women. Luckily i was quickly called and a lovely lady walked me through the operating theatre. Yep that's right, no seperate room where they put you to sleep first! Nope, up onto the table i jumped, lay down under those HUGE lights and waited whilst the anaethetist attatched a canular (didn't feel a thing) and then an even more lovely lady held my hand while they injected the magic potions into my arm and off to sleep i went.


Woke up in recovery very stiff, realised where i was and why and the first question i remember asking was whether they had removed the right side or the whole thing.....the whole thyroid was the reply.

Hop skip and a jump and we are going straight to me being home. I hated being in hospital, it was horrible and i never want to have to be in over night ever again.

Blog One

I don't know who I'm writing this for, maybe no one, maybe just to get everything out of my head, but i heard blogging about cancer, helps you to beat cancer. So here goes.

Friday 20th April, going to the hospital with my mum to get my results from my third ultrasound and second cell sample taken from the nodule growing on my right thyroid. The appointments supposed to be 9:10, and it swiftly becomes 9:30, and i stupidly joke in my head 'the results must be bad and they're doing a coin toss to see who's giving me the results!' The doors swing open and out comes a consultant, not my consultant. Mine wears a suit, he's top man and he doesn't need to wear scrubs. I look back to the floor.

'Hannah Johnson?' What? It's for me, OK. We get up, mum has started coming into all the appointments with me as i tend to not listen or become a nervous wreck around medical staff (bad experience when i was 5). I'm thinking to myself, it can't be bad, if it was bad they'd have sent the top man, this guy obviously has been given the quick appointments. WRONG.

In the next ten seconds i feel like someone has hit me round the head with an over sized boxing glove. The results are back, they aren't happy with the cells. On a scale of 1 to 5, 1 being definitely not cancer, 5 being definitely cancer, you're a 4. Right, a 4. So i have cancer and they just won't say to cover their own backs. And then he has the cheek to not only ask if I'm OK, but to say "well, if you could choose a cancer, thyroid would be it. It's the best kind to get". Right, the best kind to get, like I'm standing in Waitrose in the cereal aisle saying to my mum, hmm which one shall i have, i mean i want to choose the best one to have, i know I'll have thyroid cancer. Yeah, uhm, excuse me Mr. Breast Specialist (says so on his badge) i don't want to choose, in fact you can have them all back, you choose one for yourself, i won't be selfish, go on you have it.

Well, that was a shock. And with my head reeling and feeling like I'm about to pass out, they send me off for blood tests, there and then. No, take some time to think about this, you need to go home, have a cup of tea. Nope, straight off for blood tests, apparently they need to check what it's doing in there. Now for those who don't know me, i hate needles. HATE THEM. Seriously, i can't even watch someone get their ears pierced. So sitting there, breaking into a clammy sweat thinking, OK which is worse, i 'might' have cancer, or going into that cubicle and being stabbed. That's how much i hate them.

And there she is, she swoops in like my guardian angel...'Miss Johnson?'
That's it, they got the results wrong, they read someone else's and I'm fine. Someone else can have my box of cereal. 'Yes' hopeful, expectant, stupid again.
Could i go back up and see the specialist when I'm done with my bloods, he wants a chat. Now he wants a chat. He couldn't have seen me first time round?! OK, well maybe it's not bad news, maybe this supposed angel is really just a happy sprite come to give me something positive to cling to.

Bloods done, back up to top doc. I am by the way barely walking in a straight line and feeling like I'd much rather run really fast out of here and as far away as possible. We go in. We sit down. He gives me the pity look. I'm sorry he says. I'm going to do the operation myself, I'm going to look at the thyroid, i might have to take it all out, i won't know until i open you up. OK. I can deal with that. He's the best thyroid surgeon in the country, he knows what he's doing, I'm in the best possible hands. And then i come back to the room and reality and ask him to repeat himself. He has a cancellation next week. On Tuesday. Can I come in then for surgery?