MACMILLAN

I went to the hospital today, not for a check up or blood test, but to visit the MacMillan centre within the hospital. I walked in and felt an overwhelming sense of sadness. It was really strange. It was if by walking in i was admitting i had cancer and that i was struggling to come to terms with it. There was a smiley lady on the desk and i asked her if i could talk to someone. She said she was free and would i like to take a seat. She brought me a drink and sat and chatted to me for an hour. We talked about cancer, about how i felt, about my mum and my sisters, about work, about surgery, scars, you name it we talked about it. And it was so nice to know that there was somebody who wasn't emotionally involved willing to sit and talk to me, like it was the most normal thing in the world, and that i didn't need to feel guilty for having survived cancer, and that it was ok to feel sad and overwhelmed, as she put it 'it's like being hit by a bus'.
There were a few other people in there, you can sit and wait for appointments for chemo and radiotherapy, or you can cry and shout at the world in one of the quiet rooms, or you can book in for complementary therapies. But the main thing is that you realise you're not alone. I know i have my mum to talk to, and my partner, but sometimes you feel guilty for always burdening them with the same comments over and over. And with my mum she has been there herself in exactly the same place and sometimes i don't feel it's fair to keep on and on.

The lady was lovely. I'm booked in for a pamper afternoon and have been given booklets about thyroid cancer, dealing with emotions and one on diet because my weight is fluctuating so much and i just sometimes can't think of anything that i want to eat. So although i'm sat here crying and feeling totally sorry for myself, i do feel a little bit better that i took that step and have acknowledged that i'm not doing ok and it's alright to feel angry and upset. Guess sometimes you have to accept that a good cry does help, in a strange way.