Tired and confused

Sometimes writing this makes me feel better, sometimes like today it makes me feel sad. I just want to feel normal again. I know that sounds stupid, but for a year i have been feeling strange, like there was something wrong. The fizzyness in my neck, the lump when i tried to swallow. And i almost felt relieved when they said there was something wrong. In some strange way i felt like it was better to know there was something wrong, than to continue thinking that there was nothing and it was all psychological.

But i'm not doing too well with the recovery. I'm tired. All the time. I wake up tired, like i can never get enough sleep, and then i count down the hours until i'm so swollen in my neck that even swallowing is uncomfortable. It's like the tablets give you so manty minutes or hours of activity and you have to be really careful how you spend them because you can't earn anymore, despite having rests or naps in the afternoon. I'm grateful that i can sneeze and cough without pain, yawning is still hurting, but it's the constant feeling of being run down and tired that makes me feel miserable. I don't want to come across as a pessamistic person, or one who wallows in the doom and gloom, so i stick on a smiley face and attempt to continue with a 'normal' lifestyle while inside i'm screaming. I'm just fed up i guess and tired. Haha running joke for the rest of my life. My boyfriend always said in the months running up to my diagnosis that i was just always saying 'i'm tired'. Like i was the laziest person in the world and would always laugh at my loud breathing, and my fast heartrate. Funny how there was a reason for that, and that even now we know the reason and they have fixed what was broken, i'm still tired and still breathing loud and still have a fast heartbeat. It's like they remove your thyroid to make you better, but really what they are doing is preventing you from getting worse. There is no better, there is just a constant of 'coping' with the current situation.

My mum says i have to be patient. That i have made amazing steps already. That i am lucky because she lost her voice for 3 months after her op and i just have the issue of not being able to sing. But i guess we all have our little things that bug us about recovery. People are suprised i'm back at work full time, i'm suprised i wasn't back sooner. People say i look great, i'm thinking i could look better. Funny how we can't just be happy with the here and now and we are desperate for the final stage in the recovery process. 3 weeks ago i was looking forward to this stage, now it's here i can't wait for 3 weeks time.