Ups and Downs

So... I know it's been a while since i last wrote, sorry.

I'm doing ok, I have good days and bad days. Being a bridesmaid was amazing yet tiring and i was home before 9 and felt bad for the bride, but she was lovely and didn't make me feel bad at all. Work has been fantastic, but i just want to get on and do more than i am, but i'm having to be patient, which is not one of my strong points!

I'm just fed up. My hair falls out each morning and is so thin and horrible it's a constant reminder of the operation. The weather for once is beautiful and i'm having to stay out of the sun or wear a scarf round my neck which makes me so hot :( I had a horrible incident with the doctors this week where they forgot to do a prescription for me and i had to keep chasing them and arguing for them to hurry up as i only had one tablet left :(

But other than that it's been ok. I guess. I keep seeing people that don't know and they keep asking, and they keep saying how lucky i am, and i know i am and i should count my blessings, but i think because on the outside i look fine and i don't have to go through chemo or radiotherapy they think that's it. It's all over. But it's not for me. I hate having to take tablets, i hate blood tests and i hate going into hospitals and all three are going to be regular occurances for the rest of my life. Yes i am lucky to be alive and to not have awful treatments to go through, but i don't have a thyroid, a major part of your body. It controls everything; your weight, your energy levels, your hormones, your hair, your nails, your temperature, the list is endless. And i feel like it's just not all working properly. It feels like there is something missing and i am helpless to do something about it. I'm gaining weight and i can't excercise to get rid of it, then i lose weight and have no energy to do anything. It's horrible. And sometimes i just want to cry. For no reason. Just because i think life is so unfair, which sounds like something a child would say, but sometimes it does just feel that way. Why did my mum get it, then me? Why is cancer on the increase? Why did my Nan have breast and skin cancer in the last 5 years? Why did my Grandad die from cancer last year? Why is my friend without his Dad because he died from Prostate Cancer last week? Why is there nothing we can do about it apart from play a waiting game and hope to god that we are one of the lucky ones?

Well, i guess i could sit here for the next 12 hours asking a whole host of questions with no one to answer it. I watched and Ally McBeal episode yesterday (me and my sis are re watching all of them) and it was the one caled Bimps and Angels. A little boy is dying from leukhemia and he sues God. His dad was hit by a falling tree branch that snapped due to lightening and left his mum with no money, and then he got sick and they couldn't afford the bills for his meds, and then he dies. I know it's a story, but it happens, and i want to help. I guess if i was the lucky one, then really what i need to do, what i want to do, is to help others get through it as well. I'm off to speak to the people at Macmillan next week to talk to them about what's bothering me, and to see if there is anything i can do to help. I don't know what it is yet, but maybe they will.

Well, i guess the rant is over for today, i'm gonna stick my smile back on my face and pretend i'm ok!