Fed Up

Well, it's been 7 months, and things don't seem to getting better. I constantly have a soaring heart rate regardless of if I'm sitting or lying down, it is worse at night and first thing in the morning. I can't eat chocolate without it stepping up a notch and i have no energy again.

I keep getting desperate and wishing for a transplant, I just feel like they dump you after surgery with a quick check up every now and again to make sure you're having more thyroxine than you're supposed to to stop cancer re-growth. It's a bloody joke. I pretty much not got a monthly thing going on anymore, I feel crap all the time, the spots are still growing on my neck and I get tight panicky moments when it feels like someone is strangling me.

I know it gets better, I know other people have gone through this, but I am really fed up. And to make matters worse we had to have an identity photo done at work so we carry our image around on a lanyard all day, and mine happened to be taken when my neck was nice and red, so there's a daily reminder of my shitty problems.

So, rant over. No more sugar, caffeine, fried foods for me, and more watercress, chai seeds and bananas! Oh yay, just as Xmas is around the corner.

Long gap

So I haven't written for a while. Not sure if that is a good thing or not? I was very lucky to get to go to a MacMillan pamper session at QA Hospital. Was a really lovely afternoon and was really nice to meet people in similar situations, although i was the only person who had not had/going to have chemo.

It's the summer holidays for me at the moment, and along with my new level of dosage for tablets, I'm feeling much more energetic and staying up later. Although because i'm not at work i keep forgetting to take my tablets :( not good. I also am really struggling to lose weight which is making me feel a little miserable. And comfort eating is not helping ;) I went to a yoga session last week and would really recommend it to anyone who has had/has cancer, it really is very calming and focus' on breathing and staying calm, which is really good when alot of bad stuff is going through you mind 24/7.

I'm also going to try going back to Zumba when i find a class, it is an excercise you can control the input to without annoying anyone or looking stupid.

My scar is going down, however i still get itchy spots come up on and around it, which are a pain in the bum, and my hair still falls out every morning,  but i'm not going to complain too much. I guess you unfortunatley get used to all the crap that comes with having cancer. You know you are fortunate (i hate the word lucky) but it does affect the rest of your life. And that does take some getting used to. I find i'm less grumpy, less miserable and less pessamistic about life now. I have gone back to being a vegetarian, and stopped having milk and eggs (the eggs are because we have chicks and had to pick them out of their eggs when they hatched and it completely grossed me out!).

So anyhoo that's the latest update. Not sure who reads this, if anyone, but it's nice to keep a track of how things are going. Kind of puts things into perspective and makes you realise that however slow it is, you are getting better.

Now to shift that 2 stone.....

Birthday Weekend

On Friday it was my birthday, I turned 26. For those reading this who don't know me, i love birthdays! I hate getting older, but i love celebrating another year in my life and reflecting on what i have achieved in the previous, and then to set goals/targets for the next.

I listened to my body and persevered until the doctors were also listening.
I was brave having the cell sample taken (needle into throat with no anasthetic) and very brave to go back for a second.
All those blood tests.
I walked to the operating theatre and climbed up onto the table on my own, i was then operated on.
I put on a brave face and coped with recovery the best i could.
Realising my mum is even more amazing than i already thought.
Going back to work 2 weeks after my op reinstated the truth that i am working the job that i love.
I have become more open to people around me and now say when i need help. (Sue Oster is the best co-worker anyone could ask for)
I have laughed, cried, shouted and felt lost, and this has just been the last 2 months of the year.

I also travelled back to South Africa to hug the children that have taken a hold of part of my heart, worked in the orphanage and felt at home once more.

I have qualified as a teacher, and started my first job teaching Year 2 and am absolutely loving it! I have been sad in the holidays and can't wait for term to start again.

I have said goodbye to some friends, and grown closer to others. Each year shows us who really is there for us and who we really want to be there for.

I was finally a bridesmaid, for my sister-in-law, and had an amazing day watching her smile from ear to ear early in the morning til late at night.

This year i have learnt to love life and live every day as best i can. You can never see what is round the corner and you have to be ready to tackle it with everything you have. Cancer is a scary thing, it does knock the wind out of your sails, but with the right people surrouding you, family, friends, consultants, surgeons, anaethetists, colleagues, you can tackle it and you can come out of it. But it is not the only thing in this world which is awful. The orphanage is still there, they are still fighting to stay open, and have just accepted into their world their 809th baby. Others are not so lucky with their fight against illness and they leave behind broken hearts and sad eyes. The world continues to spin and we have to keep up. For this coming year i want to stay healthy and positive, optimistic and honest. I want to travel, to make some friendship bonds closer, i want to move in with my partner and i want to continue to work the job i love. I want to help others and i want to learn to let others help me.

I will keep smiling :) the scar around my neck is my battle wound against life and it won't be my last. Remember that life is one great big adventure! We wouldn't want it to be boring would we?!

And so life continues....

That's not supposed to sound quite so morbid!! Oops!

Well, it's been long enough now that i'm not counting the weeks since the operation (7 1/2) and i'm getting niggles again. It feels like someones puling at the stitches, and i'm not sure if i even have any stitches left i there, or if this is just my imagination? What do you think? It just feels painful again, and swollen, which i thought would have got better by now but it hasn't. Also, i am not full of energy yet. I want to feel ok when i wake up in the morning, not like i need to go back to sleep again for a few hours. It's quite depressing waking up like that every morning, I can cope when it gets to the evening because i have felt like that for nearly 2 years now while the cancer was effecting the thyroid, but now i think i should start to feel better now the thyroxin tablets are working? Any ideas? I guess i'm full of questions again.

My prescription exemption card came through today :) there's a positive for the week. And i have signed up on some websites that help thyroid sufferers get through the bad bits. I guess it makes you feel like you're not alone ('you are not alone....i am here with you...la la la'!!)

Well i guess i thought i would just check in, if anyone wants to chat, or you can answer questions or you have any i could try and answer, let me know! Always happy for a chat, even if you find me on the book of face!

MACMILLAN

I went to the hospital today, not for a check up or blood test, but to visit the MacMillan centre within the hospital. I walked in and felt an overwhelming sense of sadness. It was really strange. It was if by walking in i was admitting i had cancer and that i was struggling to come to terms with it. There was a smiley lady on the desk and i asked her if i could talk to someone. She said she was free and would i like to take a seat. She brought me a drink and sat and chatted to me for an hour. We talked about cancer, about how i felt, about my mum and my sisters, about work, about surgery, scars, you name it we talked about it. And it was so nice to know that there was somebody who wasn't emotionally involved willing to sit and talk to me, like it was the most normal thing in the world, and that i didn't need to feel guilty for having survived cancer, and that it was ok to feel sad and overwhelmed, as she put it 'it's like being hit by a bus'.
There were a few other people in there, you can sit and wait for appointments for chemo and radiotherapy, or you can cry and shout at the world in one of the quiet rooms, or you can book in for complementary therapies. But the main thing is that you realise you're not alone. I know i have my mum to talk to, and my partner, but sometimes you feel guilty for always burdening them with the same comments over and over. And with my mum she has been there herself in exactly the same place and sometimes i don't feel it's fair to keep on and on.

The lady was lovely. I'm booked in for a pamper afternoon and have been given booklets about thyroid cancer, dealing with emotions and one on diet because my weight is fluctuating so much and i just sometimes can't think of anything that i want to eat. So although i'm sat here crying and feeling totally sorry for myself, i do feel a little bit better that i took that step and have acknowledged that i'm not doing ok and it's alright to feel angry and upset. Guess sometimes you have to accept that a good cry does help, in a strange way.

Tired and confused

Sometimes writing this makes me feel better, sometimes like today it makes me feel sad. I just want to feel normal again. I know that sounds stupid, but for a year i have been feeling strange, like there was something wrong. The fizzyness in my neck, the lump when i tried to swallow. And i almost felt relieved when they said there was something wrong. In some strange way i felt like it was better to know there was something wrong, than to continue thinking that there was nothing and it was all psychological.

But i'm not doing too well with the recovery. I'm tired. All the time. I wake up tired, like i can never get enough sleep, and then i count down the hours until i'm so swollen in my neck that even swallowing is uncomfortable. It's like the tablets give you so manty minutes or hours of activity and you have to be really careful how you spend them because you can't earn anymore, despite having rests or naps in the afternoon. I'm grateful that i can sneeze and cough without pain, yawning is still hurting, but it's the constant feeling of being run down and tired that makes me feel miserable. I don't want to come across as a pessamistic person, or one who wallows in the doom and gloom, so i stick on a smiley face and attempt to continue with a 'normal' lifestyle while inside i'm screaming. I'm just fed up i guess and tired. Haha running joke for the rest of my life. My boyfriend always said in the months running up to my diagnosis that i was just always saying 'i'm tired'. Like i was the laziest person in the world and would always laugh at my loud breathing, and my fast heartrate. Funny how there was a reason for that, and that even now we know the reason and they have fixed what was broken, i'm still tired and still breathing loud and still have a fast heartbeat. It's like they remove your thyroid to make you better, but really what they are doing is preventing you from getting worse. There is no better, there is just a constant of 'coping' with the current situation.

My mum says i have to be patient. That i have made amazing steps already. That i am lucky because she lost her voice for 3 months after her op and i just have the issue of not being able to sing. But i guess we all have our little things that bug us about recovery. People are suprised i'm back at work full time, i'm suprised i wasn't back sooner. People say i look great, i'm thinking i could look better. Funny how we can't just be happy with the here and now and we are desperate for the final stage in the recovery process. 3 weeks ago i was looking forward to this stage, now it's here i can't wait for 3 weeks time.

Ups and Downs

So... I know it's been a while since i last wrote, sorry.

I'm doing ok, I have good days and bad days. Being a bridesmaid was amazing yet tiring and i was home before 9 and felt bad for the bride, but she was lovely and didn't make me feel bad at all. Work has been fantastic, but i just want to get on and do more than i am, but i'm having to be patient, which is not one of my strong points!

I'm just fed up. My hair falls out each morning and is so thin and horrible it's a constant reminder of the operation. The weather for once is beautiful and i'm having to stay out of the sun or wear a scarf round my neck which makes me so hot :( I had a horrible incident with the doctors this week where they forgot to do a prescription for me and i had to keep chasing them and arguing for them to hurry up as i only had one tablet left :(

But other than that it's been ok. I guess. I keep seeing people that don't know and they keep asking, and they keep saying how lucky i am, and i know i am and i should count my blessings, but i think because on the outside i look fine and i don't have to go through chemo or radiotherapy they think that's it. It's all over. But it's not for me. I hate having to take tablets, i hate blood tests and i hate going into hospitals and all three are going to be regular occurances for the rest of my life. Yes i am lucky to be alive and to not have awful treatments to go through, but i don't have a thyroid, a major part of your body. It controls everything; your weight, your energy levels, your hormones, your hair, your nails, your temperature, the list is endless. And i feel like it's just not all working properly. It feels like there is something missing and i am helpless to do something about it. I'm gaining weight and i can't excercise to get rid of it, then i lose weight and have no energy to do anything. It's horrible. And sometimes i just want to cry. For no reason. Just because i think life is so unfair, which sounds like something a child would say, but sometimes it does just feel that way. Why did my mum get it, then me? Why is cancer on the increase? Why did my Nan have breast and skin cancer in the last 5 years? Why did my Grandad die from cancer last year? Why is my friend without his Dad because he died from Prostate Cancer last week? Why is there nothing we can do about it apart from play a waiting game and hope to god that we are one of the lucky ones?

Well, i guess i could sit here for the next 12 hours asking a whole host of questions with no one to answer it. I watched and Ally McBeal episode yesterday (me and my sis are re watching all of them) and it was the one caled Bimps and Angels. A little boy is dying from leukhemia and he sues God. His dad was hit by a falling tree branch that snapped due to lightening and left his mum with no money, and then he got sick and they couldn't afford the bills for his meds, and then he dies. I know it's a story, but it happens, and i want to help. I guess if i was the lucky one, then really what i need to do, what i want to do, is to help others get through it as well. I'm off to speak to the people at Macmillan next week to talk to them about what's bothering me, and to see if there is anything i can do to help. I don't know what it is yet, but maybe they will.

Well, i guess the rant is over for today, i'm gonna stick my smile back on my face and pretend i'm ok!