Sometimes writing this makes me feel better, sometimes like today it makes me feel sad. I just want to feel normal again. I know that sounds stupid, but for a year i have been feeling strange, like there was something wrong. The fizzyness in my neck, the lump when i tried to swallow. And i almost felt relieved when they said there was something wrong. In some strange way i felt like it was better to know there was something wrong, than to continue thinking that there was nothing and it was all psychological.
But i'm not doing too well with the recovery. I'm tired. All the time. I wake up tired, like i can never get enough sleep, and then i count down the hours until i'm so swollen in my neck that even swallowing is uncomfortable. It's like the tablets give you so manty minutes or hours of activity and you have to be really careful how you spend them because you can't earn anymore, despite having rests or naps in the afternoon. I'm grateful that i can sneeze and cough without pain, yawning is still hurting, but it's the constant feeling of being run down and tired that makes me feel miserable. I don't want to come across as a pessamistic person, or one who wallows in the doom and gloom, so i stick on a smiley face and attempt to continue with a 'normal' lifestyle while inside i'm screaming. I'm just fed up i guess and tired. Haha running joke for the rest of my life. My boyfriend always said in the months running up to my diagnosis that i was just always saying 'i'm tired'. Like i was the laziest person in the world and would always laugh at my loud breathing, and my fast heartrate. Funny how there was a reason for that, and that even now we know the reason and they have fixed what was broken, i'm still tired and still breathing loud and still have a fast heartbeat. It's like they remove your thyroid to make you better, but really what they are doing is preventing you from getting worse. There is no better, there is just a constant of 'coping' with the current situation.
My mum says i have to be patient. That i have made amazing steps already. That i am lucky because she lost her voice for 3 months after her op and i just have the issue of not being able to sing. But i guess we all have our little things that bug us about recovery. People are suprised i'm back at work full time, i'm suprised i wasn't back sooner. People say i look great, i'm thinking i could look better. Funny how we can't just be happy with the here and now and we are desperate for the final stage in the recovery process. 3 weeks ago i was looking forward to this stage, now it's here i can't wait for 3 weeks time.
Wednesday, 6 June 2012
Friday, 1 June 2012
Ups and Downs
So... I know it's been a while since i last wrote, sorry.
I'm doing ok, I have good days and bad days. Being a bridesmaid was amazing yet tiring and i was home before 9 and felt bad for the bride, but she was lovely and didn't make me feel bad at all. Work has been fantastic, but i just want to get on and do more than i am, but i'm having to be patient, which is not one of my strong points!
I'm just fed up. My hair falls out each morning and is so thin and horrible it's a constant reminder of the operation. The weather for once is beautiful and i'm having to stay out of the sun or wear a scarf round my neck which makes me so hot :( I had a horrible incident with the doctors this week where they forgot to do a prescription for me and i had to keep chasing them and arguing for them to hurry up as i only had one tablet left :(
But other than that it's been ok. I guess. I keep seeing people that don't know and they keep asking, and they keep saying how lucky i am, and i know i am and i should count my blessings, but i think because on the outside i look fine and i don't have to go through chemo or radiotherapy they think that's it. It's all over. But it's not for me. I hate having to take tablets, i hate blood tests and i hate going into hospitals and all three are going to be regular occurances for the rest of my life. Yes i am lucky to be alive and to not have awful treatments to go through, but i don't have a thyroid, a major part of your body. It controls everything; your weight, your energy levels, your hormones, your hair, your nails, your temperature, the list is endless. And i feel like it's just not all working properly. It feels like there is something missing and i am helpless to do something about it. I'm gaining weight and i can't excercise to get rid of it, then i lose weight and have no energy to do anything. It's horrible. And sometimes i just want to cry. For no reason. Just because i think life is so unfair, which sounds like something a child would say, but sometimes it does just feel that way. Why did my mum get it, then me? Why is cancer on the increase? Why did my Nan have breast and skin cancer in the last 5 years? Why did my Grandad die from cancer last year? Why is my friend without his Dad because he died from Prostate Cancer last week? Why is there nothing we can do about it apart from play a waiting game and hope to god that we are one of the lucky ones?
Well, i guess i could sit here for the next 12 hours asking a whole host of questions with no one to answer it. I watched and Ally McBeal episode yesterday (me and my sis are re watching all of them) and it was the one caled Bimps and Angels. A little boy is dying from leukhemia and he sues God. His dad was hit by a falling tree branch that snapped due to lightening and left his mum with no money, and then he got sick and they couldn't afford the bills for his meds, and then he dies. I know it's a story, but it happens, and i want to help. I guess if i was the lucky one, then really what i need to do, what i want to do, is to help others get through it as well. I'm off to speak to the people at Macmillan next week to talk to them about what's bothering me, and to see if there is anything i can do to help. I don't know what it is yet, but maybe they will.
Well, i guess the rant is over for today, i'm gonna stick my smile back on my face and pretend i'm ok!
I'm doing ok, I have good days and bad days. Being a bridesmaid was amazing yet tiring and i was home before 9 and felt bad for the bride, but she was lovely and didn't make me feel bad at all. Work has been fantastic, but i just want to get on and do more than i am, but i'm having to be patient, which is not one of my strong points!
I'm just fed up. My hair falls out each morning and is so thin and horrible it's a constant reminder of the operation. The weather for once is beautiful and i'm having to stay out of the sun or wear a scarf round my neck which makes me so hot :( I had a horrible incident with the doctors this week where they forgot to do a prescription for me and i had to keep chasing them and arguing for them to hurry up as i only had one tablet left :(
But other than that it's been ok. I guess. I keep seeing people that don't know and they keep asking, and they keep saying how lucky i am, and i know i am and i should count my blessings, but i think because on the outside i look fine and i don't have to go through chemo or radiotherapy they think that's it. It's all over. But it's not for me. I hate having to take tablets, i hate blood tests and i hate going into hospitals and all three are going to be regular occurances for the rest of my life. Yes i am lucky to be alive and to not have awful treatments to go through, but i don't have a thyroid, a major part of your body. It controls everything; your weight, your energy levels, your hormones, your hair, your nails, your temperature, the list is endless. And i feel like it's just not all working properly. It feels like there is something missing and i am helpless to do something about it. I'm gaining weight and i can't excercise to get rid of it, then i lose weight and have no energy to do anything. It's horrible. And sometimes i just want to cry. For no reason. Just because i think life is so unfair, which sounds like something a child would say, but sometimes it does just feel that way. Why did my mum get it, then me? Why is cancer on the increase? Why did my Nan have breast and skin cancer in the last 5 years? Why did my Grandad die from cancer last year? Why is my friend without his Dad because he died from Prostate Cancer last week? Why is there nothing we can do about it apart from play a waiting game and hope to god that we are one of the lucky ones?
Well, i guess i could sit here for the next 12 hours asking a whole host of questions with no one to answer it. I watched and Ally McBeal episode yesterday (me and my sis are re watching all of them) and it was the one caled Bimps and Angels. A little boy is dying from leukhemia and he sues God. His dad was hit by a falling tree branch that snapped due to lightening and left his mum with no money, and then he got sick and they couldn't afford the bills for his meds, and then he dies. I know it's a story, but it happens, and i want to help. I guess if i was the lucky one, then really what i need to do, what i want to do, is to help others get through it as well. I'm off to speak to the people at Macmillan next week to talk to them about what's bothering me, and to see if there is anything i can do to help. I don't know what it is yet, but maybe they will.
Well, i guess the rant is over for today, i'm gonna stick my smile back on my face and pretend i'm ok!
Thursday, 17 May 2012
Forgetfulness
Well, i had a rubbish day yesterday. It had been three weeks since the operation, and I have gone back to work full time. Silly silly me! They are being lovely especially the woman I work alongside, but i am just so frustrated at not feeling normal I'm taking it out on everyone.
To make matters worse i also subconsciously took two tablets last night without meaning to, so went into overdose mode. My heartbeat was so fast i thought i was about to have a heart attack, i was hot, my legs felt like electricity was running through them, and when i woke in the early ours i was sorely tempted to stab myself in the head to release the almighty pressure that was building up creating excruciating pain. I was very sad :(
The side effects of these tablets are horrible. My skin is flaking 24/7, i have no appetite but am putting on weight, my throat and eyes feel dry all the time, my hair is moulting and feels like straw, i am tired during the day and full of energy at night, I'm forgetful of silly things (see above) however my nails are growing stronger than usual so i guess it isn't all bad!
The scar is less noticeable but i still find people staring in the shops, but i guess they are a little closer than most strangers! I have my appointment with my consultant tomorrow (already had the blood tests) and hopefully i will now be put on the normal tablets. I know they are going to take some adjusting and time to settle but i think i will feel better when i just have to remember to take one!
I'm worried about the weekend. My sister-in-law is getting married and i am lucky enough to be bridesmaid, however I'm anxious. What if i can't fit in the dress anymore? What if i get really tired towards the afternoon/early evening? What if i have a crap day and i spend it trying not to cry? Argh. Life is so much simpler with a normal working thyroid! I don't think people realise how much it really does for your body, or what you go through once you don't have one anymore. I'm not saying people aren't sympathetic or kind, it's just difficult putting into words how you feel. I guess slower and crappier than normal sums it up!!
Well, i guess the next blog will be tomorrow after my lovely meeting at the hospital, fingers crossed it's all straight forward!
To make matters worse i also subconsciously took two tablets last night without meaning to, so went into overdose mode. My heartbeat was so fast i thought i was about to have a heart attack, i was hot, my legs felt like electricity was running through them, and when i woke in the early ours i was sorely tempted to stab myself in the head to release the almighty pressure that was building up creating excruciating pain. I was very sad :(
The side effects of these tablets are horrible. My skin is flaking 24/7, i have no appetite but am putting on weight, my throat and eyes feel dry all the time, my hair is moulting and feels like straw, i am tired during the day and full of energy at night, I'm forgetful of silly things (see above) however my nails are growing stronger than usual so i guess it isn't all bad!
The scar is less noticeable but i still find people staring in the shops, but i guess they are a little closer than most strangers! I have my appointment with my consultant tomorrow (already had the blood tests) and hopefully i will now be put on the normal tablets. I know they are going to take some adjusting and time to settle but i think i will feel better when i just have to remember to take one!
I'm worried about the weekend. My sister-in-law is getting married and i am lucky enough to be bridesmaid, however I'm anxious. What if i can't fit in the dress anymore? What if i get really tired towards the afternoon/early evening? What if i have a crap day and i spend it trying not to cry? Argh. Life is so much simpler with a normal working thyroid! I don't think people realise how much it really does for your body, or what you go through once you don't have one anymore. I'm not saying people aren't sympathetic or kind, it's just difficult putting into words how you feel. I guess slower and crappier than normal sums it up!!
Well, i guess the next blog will be tomorrow after my lovely meeting at the hospital, fingers crossed it's all straight forward!
Sunday, 13 May 2012
Counting my blessings
Well, alot has happened and I'm sorry for not posting sooner. I had a late night phone call from my surgeon last week to inform me of the good news. Apparently all of the lumps were benign apart from one which was cancerous, however it was so small, that they have removed everything they need to and i don't need any further treatment!! So no radioactive iodine for me!! I feel like the luckiest person in the world. They tell me yes i did have cancer, but it's all gone and that's it. It must be one of the quickest treatments ever!!
And as i said in the last post my patch has already come off. The giant waterproof one that goes over the top. It was peeling off, so i helped it off, and although it was so scary to see the line underneath, it is so small i can't believe they were able to complete the operation in such a tiny area!! Again, i am so lucky to have had the best surgeon in the country, in my opinion the world!! Yes, it is still hard to keep my head up all day, it aches and i feel like it's a dead weight on top of my neck, and yes i am out of breath all the time because the tablets aren't right yet, and yes the steri strips itch and i want to pull them off, but... that's it. I can't complain about anything else! I had a miserable day yesterday, i felt like an old pensioner, struggled to walk down the seafront and was tired watching a movie in the cinema, but today i can't stop smiling!! I'm OK! And that is all that matters at the end of the day. Yes i am on tablets for the rest of my life, but that is going to be one loooonnnngggg life full of exciting and happy moments with the amazing people i have around me.
My mum has been so amazing i can't put into words how grateful i am to her. She has been my best friend, the one to hold my hand and drag me out of bed on bad days. I know she has gone through it herself, but surely that's worse because she knows what i had to go through. And she just smiled the whole way through it. She really is the most amazing person in the world and i love her so much. Everyone should have someone like my mum to help them get through cancer, she definitely fights your corner!
And as i said in the last post my patch has already come off. The giant waterproof one that goes over the top. It was peeling off, so i helped it off, and although it was so scary to see the line underneath, it is so small i can't believe they were able to complete the operation in such a tiny area!! Again, i am so lucky to have had the best surgeon in the country, in my opinion the world!! Yes, it is still hard to keep my head up all day, it aches and i feel like it's a dead weight on top of my neck, and yes i am out of breath all the time because the tablets aren't right yet, and yes the steri strips itch and i want to pull them off, but... that's it. I can't complain about anything else! I had a miserable day yesterday, i felt like an old pensioner, struggled to walk down the seafront and was tired watching a movie in the cinema, but today i can't stop smiling!! I'm OK! And that is all that matters at the end of the day. Yes i am on tablets for the rest of my life, but that is going to be one loooonnnngggg life full of exciting and happy moments with the amazing people i have around me.
My mum has been so amazing i can't put into words how grateful i am to her. She has been my best friend, the one to hold my hand and drag me out of bed on bad days. I know she has gone through it herself, but surely that's worse because she knows what i had to go through. And she just smiled the whole way through it. She really is the most amazing person in the world and i love her so much. Everyone should have someone like my mum to help them get through cancer, she definitely fights your corner!
Monday, 7 May 2012
Getting there...slowly
So I was determined to be better for our weekend of weddings! Managed to get to the one on Friday for 9pm and lasted a couple of hours, but dancing hurt so had to miss out on busting some moves. Had a quick pulse for most of the evening so pretty uncomfortable but it was OK, it was really nice to be out with great friends, and to forget for an evening.
Lovely lie in on Saturday morning and had a lie down in the afternoon to prepare for the next wedding. Made it there earlier (think the lie down helped) and managed to stay for nearly 4 hours tonight!! And felt much better so even managed quite a few dances!! Thanks girls for keeping me on my feet and smiling!! It really, really does help being surrounded by positive people, I really do agree with the guy from 'that' book. You need to surround yourself with positive people to stay positive yourself. I had an amazing night, thoroughly enjoyed myself, and Tom was ready to whisk me home when i started to feel swollen. I did feel like perhaps my vocal chords had enough for the evening ( there were numerous songs to sing along too even if i couldn't get up to dance to every one!) and had another lie in Sunday.
Today was another big step for me. I took the big waterproof plaster off!!
Now to some people that may sound like nothing, but it was a big deal for me. I hate anything medical, i hate blood, i can't watch anything where they make an incision or stab a needle into someone, and really taking the patch off was like realising that it did really happen because now i can see it :( Boy was it a bugger to come off, if you ever have to remove one do it slowly a little bit at a time and hold onto those steri-strips!! But it did come off and then i was left with awful red marks around my neck where my skin hated the sticky stuff. My mum acted as nurse and used witch hazel to remove it and I'm left with 2 very small steri-strips covering the line where they made the incision and no swelling or redness! I'm so lucky, the scar is going to be really small and once i can start rubbing vitamin E cream on it, I'm sure it will go away.
I guess this weekend has made me realise how lucky i am, that i kept on at the doctors and they caught it quickly, that the scar will be small and that i have a great bunch of people around me to help me get through this. I'm going back to work tomorrow, doing just mornings to start, but that's great!! I can't wait! I can focus on a little bit of normality while i get back to full health. I wish my heartbeat would return to normal, but hey..it can't all be fixed in one go. It takes time, and i have to be patient!
Lovely lie in on Saturday morning and had a lie down in the afternoon to prepare for the next wedding. Made it there earlier (think the lie down helped) and managed to stay for nearly 4 hours tonight!! And felt much better so even managed quite a few dances!! Thanks girls for keeping me on my feet and smiling!! It really, really does help being surrounded by positive people, I really do agree with the guy from 'that' book. You need to surround yourself with positive people to stay positive yourself. I had an amazing night, thoroughly enjoyed myself, and Tom was ready to whisk me home when i started to feel swollen. I did feel like perhaps my vocal chords had enough for the evening ( there were numerous songs to sing along too even if i couldn't get up to dance to every one!) and had another lie in Sunday.
Today was another big step for me. I took the big waterproof plaster off!!
Now to some people that may sound like nothing, but it was a big deal for me. I hate anything medical, i hate blood, i can't watch anything where they make an incision or stab a needle into someone, and really taking the patch off was like realising that it did really happen because now i can see it :( Boy was it a bugger to come off, if you ever have to remove one do it slowly a little bit at a time and hold onto those steri-strips!! But it did come off and then i was left with awful red marks around my neck where my skin hated the sticky stuff. My mum acted as nurse and used witch hazel to remove it and I'm left with 2 very small steri-strips covering the line where they made the incision and no swelling or redness! I'm so lucky, the scar is going to be really small and once i can start rubbing vitamin E cream on it, I'm sure it will go away.
I guess this weekend has made me realise how lucky i am, that i kept on at the doctors and they caught it quickly, that the scar will be small and that i have a great bunch of people around me to help me get through this. I'm going back to work tomorrow, doing just mornings to start, but that's great!! I can't wait! I can focus on a little bit of normality while i get back to full health. I wish my heartbeat would return to normal, but hey..it can't all be fixed in one go. It takes time, and i have to be patient!
Friday, 4 May 2012
Angry Afternoon
Oooh i'm just so mad. I telephoned the lovely receptionist for my surgeon/consultant today to ask if the results were back yet for my biopsy as i had been instructed to call. After taking all my details she finally says "oh yes they're here on the screen in front of me....but i can't tell you".
Well, thanks. A whole bunch. I explained that the surgeon is 90% sure anyway, and that he ahd told me to ring, but no she has to check with him first and then get back to me. Great, so i can wait until the 25th may, which is far too long away to find out, or i can continue to call you every day and bug you until you give in and tell me. Your choice. Argh!
It's like they are playing god, the I know but you don't little game. It is so frustrating. So today ended up being a sad day :( with a few tears. I'm fed up, of not knowing, of not being able to take a shower without a carrier bag wrapped around my neck, of needing a stupid number of pillows to sleep on, of having to sleep on my back, of the itchiness of the silly waterproof plaster covering the scar, of having to take a tablet three times a day and forgetting every time, of having people stare at me. One man actually moved around my mum to get a better look, how rude is that?
Sorry for the rant. Sometimes it's needed to just vent frustration!
Well, thanks. A whole bunch. I explained that the surgeon is 90% sure anyway, and that he ahd told me to ring, but no she has to check with him first and then get back to me. Great, so i can wait until the 25th may, which is far too long away to find out, or i can continue to call you every day and bug you until you give in and tell me. Your choice. Argh!
It's like they are playing god, the I know but you don't little game. It is so frustrating. So today ended up being a sad day :( with a few tears. I'm fed up, of not knowing, of not being able to take a shower without a carrier bag wrapped around my neck, of needing a stupid number of pillows to sleep on, of having to sleep on my back, of the itchiness of the silly waterproof plaster covering the scar, of having to take a tablet three times a day and forgetting every time, of having people stare at me. One man actually moved around my mum to get a better look, how rude is that?
Sorry for the rant. Sometimes it's needed to just vent frustration!
Thursday, 3 May 2012
Beginning to Recover
I got my letter yesterday from the hospital for my next check up, this is when i'll get the results from the biopsy, find out for definite if it's cancer or not. I have to wait three more weeks. Thats's such a long time, do they not realise that you want to know quickly, so you can get your head around it and work out a way to get better?
I've stopped eating dairy :( i am a big foodie lover and i particularly love cheese and chocolate so this is going to be really hard, but my mum already gave it up after her thyroid cancer and my sister is vegan, so she can help. They reckon meat contributes to cancer, i stopped being vegetarian 3 years ago, i've had noticable problems with my thyroid for 1 1/2 years. What are the chances. I read a book yesterday that said no one with cancer is a victim. We have all caused it ourselves. How awful is that to read. That you've given yourself this awful disease, especially when i have never smoked, i don't drink and i'm not overweight. I eat healthily, i look after myself, i didn't exactly increase my chances on purpose.
And i read a website this morning with a comment by a thyroid cancer patient, he said he hated how the doctors told him he had cancer, he had the same 'it's the cancer you would choose' spin off with an added 'it's the best cancer to get', like we're lucky. Really? I think all those that never get cancer are the lucky ones.
I had a really good day yesterday. I went into work to say hi to everyone, they cheered me up and it was so nice to be doing something normal. I got to see all the children, got some hugs and realised how much i love and miss my job. I'm hoping to go back to work next Tuesday, my boss wants me to do just mornings to start. I think it's probably a good idea, i don't know how tired i'm going to get from being up for so long.
On a funny note i had my first sneeze today. I thought my stomach was going to burst through my neck and my head would fall off!!! PAINFUL!! If you have thyroid cancer and your reading this, wait until the neck has healed before you sneeze!!! Plug your nose, put a peg on it!! Anything!! haha no really it's ok, just super weird!
Well today isn't such a god day, i'm cold and tired and feeling a little miserable so i'm going to make a conscious effort to get up and do something productive!! I am a firm believer that you have to make happy days happen sometimes. It's fine to feel sad (my mum says i'm allowed 10 minutes a day) but it's easy to stay sad, you have to make yourself smile and make yourself have a good day. Tom is helping, he is taking me on holiday to cheer me up, we're going to stay in a castle!! I'm so excited! It'll be 2 weeks after my results so i'm guessing i'll need a break either way of the results, so it will be something to look forward to.
I've stopped eating dairy :( i am a big foodie lover and i particularly love cheese and chocolate so this is going to be really hard, but my mum already gave it up after her thyroid cancer and my sister is vegan, so she can help. They reckon meat contributes to cancer, i stopped being vegetarian 3 years ago, i've had noticable problems with my thyroid for 1 1/2 years. What are the chances. I read a book yesterday that said no one with cancer is a victim. We have all caused it ourselves. How awful is that to read. That you've given yourself this awful disease, especially when i have never smoked, i don't drink and i'm not overweight. I eat healthily, i look after myself, i didn't exactly increase my chances on purpose.
And i read a website this morning with a comment by a thyroid cancer patient, he said he hated how the doctors told him he had cancer, he had the same 'it's the cancer you would choose' spin off with an added 'it's the best cancer to get', like we're lucky. Really? I think all those that never get cancer are the lucky ones.
I had a really good day yesterday. I went into work to say hi to everyone, they cheered me up and it was so nice to be doing something normal. I got to see all the children, got some hugs and realised how much i love and miss my job. I'm hoping to go back to work next Tuesday, my boss wants me to do just mornings to start. I think it's probably a good idea, i don't know how tired i'm going to get from being up for so long.
On a funny note i had my first sneeze today. I thought my stomach was going to burst through my neck and my head would fall off!!! PAINFUL!! If you have thyroid cancer and your reading this, wait until the neck has healed before you sneeze!!! Plug your nose, put a peg on it!! Anything!! haha no really it's ok, just super weird!
Well today isn't such a god day, i'm cold and tired and feeling a little miserable so i'm going to make a conscious effort to get up and do something productive!! I am a firm believer that you have to make happy days happen sometimes. It's fine to feel sad (my mum says i'm allowed 10 minutes a day) but it's easy to stay sad, you have to make yourself smile and make yourself have a good day. Tom is helping, he is taking me on holiday to cheer me up, we're going to stay in a castle!! I'm so excited! It'll be 2 weeks after my results so i'm guessing i'll need a break either way of the results, so it will be something to look forward to.
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